At any rate, since you have disappointed me (as should only have been expected, blah, blah, blah), I have decided to be resourceful and purloin the letters of others.
Starting today, I will be posting responses to requests for advice addressed to Carolyn Hax, advice columnist for The Washington Post, which I believe is a newspaper from Washington. If you find decent questions elsewhere, send them to me, as long as they're not filthy. This is a family site. Here goes:
Last week I mentioned to my on-again off-again boyfriend that I considered getting tested for STDs while we were apart. (We broke up for about two months; I thought it was completely over and testing seemed wise, if a bit late in the process.) His reaction was very defensive and angry. He said it made him feel like I was accusing him of being unfaithful, having a disease, etc., which I was not. The reason I was considering it was two of my overly paranoid friends kept encouraging me to, and I felt like it was a generally beneficial thing to do. Should I be concerned about his reaction? I haven't been with anyone besides him while we have been on or off.
Dear D.C.: I can only assume "D.C." stands for "Deluded Completely", as your letter is so full of evasions and self-protective contrivances I can only conclude you were drunk.
Your "overly paranoid" friends are the ones you should be dating. Your boyfriend's behaviour can only have one sinister explanation: he is for some unknowable reason defensive and angry. Or he has an unusual understanding of what sexually transmitted diseases are and believes his lumbago to have been caused by close hugging. Either way, is this the man for you? Why DID you break up for those two months? Was it because you began to think his admiration for Jersey Shore's "The Situation" was overly intense and insistent?
Ditch this cad, D.C., but remember that your next lover will betray you.
- The Catastrophizer