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But I Wanted Crime-Fighting Jet-Packers!

10/06/2010

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I'm very concerned. I'm frequently very concerned, so that in itself is not overly concerning, but the source of my disquiet is new. When I feel as though the world is being consumed by the iniquity brought into being by musical theatre and communists, I know that I can rely on Fox News to ground and reassure me. Fox News, however, has now shown its true colours, and those colours are distinctly left-leaning. A pale pink? A rich Eastern bloc red? One of those hippie shades.

I thought I could rely on Fox News because it provides a steady stream of anti-mosque interviews, Karl Rove money shots and slim, blonde Republican women. So when I heard that Fox News was reporting that Los Angeles had ordered 10,000 jet packs for its police officers, firemen and paramedics, I was credulous and thrilled. At $100,000 a shot, they're pretty pricey, but what's a billion dollars when the safety of the skies and the fulfillment of the promises made by science fiction films are in question? 

Turns out I rejoiced prematurely. Turns out that, while the jet packs do exist and a whole two of them have been constructed by the company in question, Los Angeles has not started hiring Law Enforcement Jet Pack Officers just yet.

How did Fox News manage to get this wrong? 

Well, they relied on the reporting of the left-wing, lamestream media, that's how. Instead of sticking to crafting stories based on the folksy imaginings of registered Republicans, they turned for inspiration to the Weekly World News.

While unimpeachably reputable, the Weekly World News is undeniably east-coast elitist. Listen to these headlines: 
"Kim Kardashian's Butt Explodes". 
"Harry Reid Joins Male Brothel". 
"How to Sell Your Soul to the Devil." 
And, most damningly, "Megan Fox Marries, But She's Still a Man." Clearly this rag is pushing the gay marriage agenda.

Fox News should know better than to trust the only publication read by all activist judges. They should leave the Weekly World News to the Ivy Tower set and stick to the only credible news source: Sarah Palin's Facebook postings. 
Send the Catastrophizer your requests for advice and/or rationalizations using the form conveniently provided HERE. I will publish my responses on the THE CATASTROPHIZER page.

POLITE DISCLAIMER: This site is intended for entertainment purposes only. If you are not entertained, fair enough. Also, I'm not very good at copy-editing, so if something looks wrong, it was put there by accident.
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A Rioting Swarm Gathers No Mosque

08/25/2010

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I don't have the right kind of friends. I know this because not one of them has traveled in a bus through the United States arguing against Obama's socialist takeover of the country or burned Nancy Pelosi in effigy. Or burned Obama in effigy while traveling through Nancy Pelosi in a bus. Not ONE of my over-educated liberal elitist pay-what-you-can-theatre loving, The Wire-watching friends has sent me the hilarious email mentioned by Michael Goodwin in his timely and incisive opinion piece on foxnews.com: "Good News - The 'Move the Mosque' Movement is Growing". Tell me you don't feel your sides splitting because of all the mirth after reading this:

I just applied for a building permit for a new house. It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide with 9 turrets at various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system. It would have parking for 200 old cars and I was going to paint it snot green with . . . pink trim. The City Council told me to f--- off. So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a mosque. Work starts on Monday.

Get it? Your average (i.e. Christian, Obama-care hating, and rotund) American wants to build a giant hideous building somewhere and stupid bureaucrats will not let him, but a MUSLIM wants to build a giant hideous building and he's allowed to because bureaucrats love Muslims almost as much as they love screwing over populists. As Michael Goodwin states, 

"It's a joke, one of those mass Internet mailings that gets a laugh and captures the spirit of the moment."

What concerns me is something I just quoted. That's right. The "mass Internet mailings" part. I use the internet. I check my email regularly to read the messages amazon.com has sent me confirming my order of the most recent Madeleine Albright memoir or This American Life CD compilation. Not ONCE have I found that humourous mosque email waiting for me in my inbox. I can only conclude that I don't have the right kind of friends. 

I do, though, have a plan to remedy this situation. What I'm going to do is the following: convince a black or Middle Eastern-ish man with some ambiguous form of head-covering to walk through a crowd demonstrating against the mosque planned for the neighbourhood of Ground Zero. The first person who starts yelling at him and calling a coward? I'm giving that person my email address. Then Michael Goodwin and I can enjoy a good laugh in "the spirit of the moment" together.

Send the Catastrophizer your requests for advice and/or rationalizations using the form conveniently provided HERE. I will publish my responses on the THE CATASTROPHIZER page.

POLITE DISCLAIMER: This site is intended for entertainment purposes only. If you are not entertained, fair enough. Also, I'm not very good at copy-editing, so if something looks wrong, it was put there by accident.
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