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LITTLE DID WE KNOW

01/12/2010

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Today we will discuss the manner in which watching films can instruct catastrophytes in the art of cultivating fearful anticipation.

You know The Moment Before. A woman comes home from work. She drops her keys on the table. She changes into more comfortable clothes and starts preparing dinner. LITTLE DOES SHE KNOW (actually, that's another possible name for what I'm talking about: LITTLE DID THEY KNOW) that in her closet, determined and evil, is a psychotic killer. But WE know. The audience knows. We know that there is someone waiting, lurking, planning. And we know that she has absolutely no idea what life has in store for her. 

There is another kind of Moment Before that has more to do with sudden and unexpected tragedy than it does with a psychotic individual bent on murder. A family sits down together at dinner. They are laughing, making fun of one another, waiting for the older brother to get there. They make fun of him, too, because they are a relaxed and happy family who know how to have a little fun. Then there is a knock on the door, the policeman at the door, the horror on their faces, etc... The audience knows what is going to happen, either because the film has cut to scenes of the older brother driving on a slick, icy road, or because the film has been marketed as a tear-jerker primarily to female movie-goers . 

Watch as many of these kinds of film as is possible, eager catastrophyte. If you watch enough of them, and watch them in a responsive enough state, your life will be forever changed. Terribly, wonderfully changed. 

Every time you get home, take off your shoes, throw your keys on the table, you will suspect that there is someone in your closet. 

Every time you have a delightful meal with your family (which should be an impossibility, because your constant catastrophizing should be a blight on all such get-togethers), even if you have no older brother, you should be waiting for The Phone Call. Or the Knock on the Door. Anything really that sounds as though it could begin with capital letters. 

If you learn to dread The Moment Before, you will in effect become both the character in one of these films (because you are the one who will be attacked and/or emotionally devastated) and the viewer of one of these films (because you, like the viewer, possess the knowledge that an attack and/or emotionally devastating revelation is imminent).

You will never arrive home or eat a meal the same way again. 

Knowing that something is about to happen changes this from a LITTLE DID I KNOW moment to a I TOTALLY DID KNOW moment, which will be something to hold on to when that man bursts from the closet or the knock comes on your door.


Send the Catastrophizer your requests for advice and/or rationalizations using the form conveniently provided HERE. I will publish my responses on the THE CATASTROPHIZER page.


POLITE DISCLAIMER: This site is intended for entertainment purposes only. If you are not entertained, fair enough.


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Global Catastrophizing

11/27/2009

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The examples of catastrophizing provided elsewhere tend towards the personal; they instruct one in the art of, say, drawing an imaginary line between the loss of one’s keys and the failure of one’s marriage. 
It should come as no surprise, though, that the same technique that can conjure catastrophic consequences from personal oversights can also be applied to the realm of the public, the global. 

Indeed, the environmental movement has largely depended on catastrophisms to make its case to the public: if we exterminate a sufficient number of tiny organisms, we imperil the world, etc... Environmentalists have the unenviable task of convincing people that something tiny, something seemingly totally irrelevant, can have an effect on every other living thing. 

While catastrophizing embraces no one creed or cause, the budding catastrophizer should in terms of process emulate the environmentalist: he or she should make a habit of selecting from the news what seems to be an innocuous fact and extrapolating from it a series of decidedly unfortunate events. The topic of environmental collapse, though, should be avoided if the catastrophizer is devoted to truly honing his or her craft as it is such a familiar source of catastrophizing. 

If you are concerned that your catastrophizing studies are impractical, if your hectoring parents are demanding to know how catastrophizing in your room for hours will lead to gainful employment, never fear. Or rather, don’t stop fearing. A study of history reveals that catastrophizers always have the last, mirthless, laugh.

Do you know what started the First World War? I do, because I checked Wikipedia:

The assassination on 28 June 1914 of Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria, the heir to the throne of Austria-Hungary, is seen as the immediate trigger of the war, though long-term causes, such as imperialistic foreign policy, played a major role. Ferdinand's assassination at the hands of Serbian nationalist Gavrilo Princip resulted in demands against the Kingdom of Serbia.[6] Several alliances that had been formed over the past decades were invoked, so within weeks the major powers were at war; with all having colonies, the conflict soon spread around the world.

One man is assassinated and ultimately the world is plunged into a war unlike any that had ever been seen before. How many men or women could have predicted that one shot would lead to such widespread devastation? Only the proto-catastrophizers (I, of course, am the original, founding catastrophzier).

It’s important, though, not to focus on events that are clearly worrisome, however small. The real challenge is to concentrate on a detail that appears to be totally inconsequential and to use that as the springboard for your catastrophism. Consider, if you will, the following sample catastrophism:

 On November 10, 1955, a boy was born in Stuttgart, Germany; 
He was drawn to the world of film, and began creating his own stories in that medium; 
He directed a dangerously subversive film starring only non-actors (Independence Day); 
After most likely being unable to sign Nicholas Cage because of a scheduling conflict, he convinces John Cusack to sign on to a new project; 
Promotion for the film 2012 is ubiquitous and unremitting; 
A young girl in Toronto, having watched Say Anything numerous times during an impressionable period, becomes obsessed with 2012; 
She destroys the world.

I became bored by this catastrophism, or else it would have seemed more  complex and fluid. My point, however, should be clear: the birth of one future Hollywood film director can, in a totally unheralded fashion, herald the end of the world. Now, once a day select one apparently insignificant detail from the news and connect it to eventual global destruction. Catastrophizer’s orders.
POLITE DISCLAIMER: This site is intended for entertainment purposes only. If you are not entertained, fair enough.


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