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The One is the Loneliest Number

05/07/2010

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Mrs. Web: the purveyor of web advice so nice, I've visited her twice.


I have known a guy for years. We have been friends for a long time. He recently asked me out four times in a row. He always used to say he would never date the same girl twice unless she was "the one." I don’t think anyone has ever felt the way I feel about him!! Do you think he thinks I am "the one?"


1) He HAS to think you're the one!! After all, you know that feelings don't change and if he once said he'd only date a woman more than twice if she were the one, then that is sure to still be true. Just like you must just be friends because you've always just been friends. That doesn't sound right. Either he thinks you're the one because what one has said before remains true or he sees you only as a friend because you've always only been friends. Voila!

2) He HAS to think you're the one!! You can be assured of this because people's catchy, throwaway phrases and philosophies are always carefully considered. If instead of saying any girl he saw more than once would have to be the one, he'd said, "Oh, I'd like to KILL that Sally Field," you should have called the police. He was clearly intent on murder. And might still be.

3) No one HAS ever felt the way you feel about him!! Strong and passionate feelings are rare. Wanting someone you've known for years to love you is almost unheard of. 

4) The two of you are sure to be happy together forever. As people continue to mean what they've once said and no one has ever felt for anyone the way you feel for him, I can see nothing but good romantic fortune in your future. Especially because presumably he's never had more than one date with any other woman, so his heart hasn't been damaged by experience. 
Send the Catastrophizer your requests for advice and/or rationalizations using the form conveniently provided HERE. I will publish my responses on the THE CATASTROPHIZER page.

POLITE DISCLAIMER: This site is intended for entertainment purposes only. If you are not entertained, fair enough.
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The Catastrophizer Visits with Mrs. Web

05/04/2010

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Apparently lofty morals, poor web design and Victorian-ish clip art are all you need to become the Mrs. of the Web.
Dear Mrs. Web,

My best friend wants to be a singer and she is really good.  I 'm afraid that when we grow up, she might become famous and not remember me.  What do I do?


You're right to be afraid. And kudos for being so afraid at what is presumably an early age. Many people squander what could have been years of fear development because they don't yet realize that friendships don't last forever and other people are more talented than they are. 

Assuming your friend is talented and you are not simply in the thrall of some deluded, pint-sized would-be diva, there are a number of things you can do to try to render yourself memorable. 

1) Support everything she does and agree with everything she says. Famous people don't like downers. By the time she becomes successful, she'll be so used to having you around to prop up her unstable sense of self she won't be able to forget you if she tried.

2) Try to become the one person who knows her most embarrassing secret. Compromising secrets aren't all that compromising anymore (you'll also learn to adopt a cynical view of fame), so embarrassing is the way to go. Coke habit at ten years of age? Who hasn't had a tween stint in rehab? That's nothing. Become the only person to have documented your songbird's problem with flatulence and you'll have a friend for life.

Of course, it's altogether more likely that your friend will grow up to be a mediocre singer with a crumbling marriage and a dependence on whatever drug she was prescribed after that operation she had. She won't ever forget you because you're the one person who reminds her of her early promise and turned out to be even less successful than she is. 

Send the Catastrophizer your requests for advice and/or rationalizations using the form conveniently provided HERE. I will publish my responses on the THE CATASTROPHIZER page.

POLITE DISCLAIMER: This site is intended for entertainment purposes only. If you are not entertained, fair enough.
2 Comments