I have some positive qualities: I'm loyal, I'm attentive, I'm generally clean. But I also have some considerable deficiencies. For example, I almost completely lack ambition. Or maybe it's simply that I can't follow through on things, which would mean I lack determination and focus. Or maybe I just haven't come up with any things that are worthy of following through on.I was recently reading about the fact that that website about thousands of fantastic things is finally shutting down, presumably because there is a limit to the number of fantastic things in the world and now Neil Pasricha plans to spend his time feeling forlorn and deflated. Or maybe he just wanted more time to devote to working in HR at Walmart, which is actually what he does. Given that, the fact that he was capable of identifying even ten awesome things indicates either that he is a) himself an incredibly awesome thing, or b) totally deranged. Deranged or not, he took a catchy idea and built a modest empire, from which he proceeded to not profit one bit, because he wanted that catchy idea to remain unsullied by greed, or some such thing (just like Walmart).I read that article about him, and decided that I would like to create a website called "1000loathsomethings" which, because I believe in straightforward and honest website names, would proceed to describe 1000 loathsome things. I'm sure it's probably already been done. How it could not already have been done? I'm not in a position to tell you whether it's already been done, because I didn't bother looking into it. I didn't bother looking into it because a) I didn't want to have to confront the fact that any idea I've ever had has already been had by someone smarter, more ambitious, and more familiar with Adobe Flash, and b) if I did discover it hadn't yet been done, I probably wouldn't do anything about it anyway.I can't figure out whether I don't pursue such ideas (I had another one just the other day that involved asking telemarketers when they called if they minded being recorded and then trying to tell them about my personal problems) because a) they're stupid ideas and I wouldn't get much satisfaction from trying to realize them anyway, or b) I lack the discipline to realize most ideas. I suppose all I can do is wait to have an idea I'm particularly passionate about and then see whether I try to put some work into it or become distracted by an NCIS rerun. One of those 1000 loathsome things I'll probably never write about would surely be the process of figuring out whether I'm uncreative or lazy.
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And the difference is in the paycheck.
I might not know very much about U.S. law, but ignorance has never before stopped me from commenting authoritatively and at length about anything, so I find myself with a number of things to say about the recent U.S. Supreme Court decision to throw out a huge sex-discrimination lawsuit against Walmart.First of all (and most importantly): is Walmart single? I know that corporations are treated as people under the law. I know that they are now allowed to make unlimited campaign contributions because of how free speech is and how much democracy flourishes, so it's not crazy to think they're entitled to a romantic life.And what upstanding, self-respecting, feminine woman would not want to go steady with Walmart? Walmart was being taking to court by seemingly billions and billions of women upset only because they were being treated like ladies. Sure, says journalist Liza Featherstone, women "earn less than their male counterparts in nearly every position at the company", and female supervisors often make less money than the male employees they're being paid not very much to supervise, but that's just because, as one store manager explained, men "are working as the heads of their households, while women are just working for the sake of working." I couldn't have put it better! Women work to have extra money to buy lipstick and decorative baubles. As another Walmart employee stated, men "are here to make a career and women aren't. Retail is for housewives who just need to earn extra money." How true, on both counts! I certainly associate Walmart with men hungry for career advancement and women not desperate for money to feed their families. So it's pretty clear that Walmart would make a good boyfriend, the kind of boyfriend who would let me work to buy myself some handbags and potted plants, but count on me mostly for my home-building, hearth-tending skills.
Antonin Scalia, though, has placed an obstacle in my romantic path. Although generally I think of him as both fair-minded and good-looking, he has made a serious misstep in this case. He claims that Walmart has not instituted any discriminatory practices, and that the company should not be blamed for allowing their managers the freedom to behave in a discriminatory fashion. So a corporation is a person, and yet it is not one bit like a person. It has the right to speak freely as though it is a person, but is suddenly not a person with agency and accountability when its employees rush about insulting and mistreating people. I mean, I'd like to hook up with Walmart because it wouldn't expect me take on unladylike responsibilities, or at least would not pay me an unladylike amount to take them on, but I wouldn't be comfortable knowing that every time we had a fight, Walmart could just say that it wasn't at fault and some semi-autonomous network of middle-managers was to blame. So I'll have to set my sights on some other promising potential beau. I'm looking at you, Scalia. I'm willing to become incorporated if that's what it will take to get your attention.
Send the Catastrophizer your requests for advice and/or rationalizations using the form conveniently provided HERE. I will publish my responses on the THE CATASTROPHIZER page.POLITE DISCLAIMER: This site is intended for entertainment purposes only. If you are not entertained, fair enough. Also, I'm not very good at copy-editing, so if something looks wrong, it was put there by accident.