If only I could have sabotaged his relationship and had his babies and also some Oreos - THE CATASTROPHIZER
 
Commercials are mostly awful (except, obviously, for quirky German ones that celebrate tiny cars). I realize that's not exactly a controversial statement ("I'm going to take a stand right now and just say plagues are unpleasant"), but it's one I'd like to enlarge upon at length.

Because there's a certain kind of commercial that's been taking Canadian television by storm, and I HATE IT. 

It's a very simple concept for a commercial: you come up with a list of nouns and things and then get someone with either a smug and unctuous voice or a smug and knowing voice to read them. 

The smug and unctuous voices are used for things like Ikea commercials (which USED to be more like German small-car commercials), and I think are supposed to make you feel as though you have well-behaved, loving small children and are watching them have a pillow fight in dappled sunlight on your duvet on Mothers' Day. "We're for long naps, and keeping secrets, and letting your hair down," etc. I swear there's one that's far worse, but this is the only one I could track down. 

The smug and knowing voices are used for the condescending, enraging, stick-it-to-the-man-ish commercials. "You're no follow-the-leader, lower-level Nazi; you're no parasite-brained Yes Man with a blood infection," etc. My favourite current example of this breed of terrible is this Crystal Light commercial, which is terrible.

I'm not sure whether it's the repellent smarminess, the repellant disingenuousness, or the repellant laziness of these commercials that I find most repellant.

Imagine my relief then, when something came along that distracted me from these commercials much in the way a punch to the head takes your mind off a migraine. 

It is the worst. It is an Oreo commercial. It is magnificent in its awfulness. It is the malign programming of young girls to be competitive biological clocks as sung by a wistful set of bangs.

It makes me extremely depressed. And whenever I get extremely depressed, I think of this Maple Leaf meats commercial, because nothing, absolutely nothing, can restore balance to the brain like a dose of pure batshit crazy.
Da Hogg
8/22/2013 16:47:17

That Crystal Blight commercial seems to be spawned from the same pit of dead ideas that the Miracle Whip "revolution" videos came from... Tangy, bad, salad dressing "will NOT tone it down!" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6n1vtZR16RY

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The Catastrophizer
8/22/2013 17:03:25

You're ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. Canadians are just a bit late on the pit-spawn uptake. I'm now going to track down Stephen Colbert's response to the Miracle Whip commercials, because I think I will find it soothing.

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Heather Mallick
8/22/2013 17:35:25

That was horrendous. I watched three in quick succession and went into stunned shock. I must see that new Simon Pegg movie. I must be taken into different worlds to get out of Oreo world. No, the meat one. The family meat values one. That was the worst. I just wanted to slap that meat-lovin' family. They're so easily bought off. With meat.
I cannot be bought off with easy meat.
I hate this. This is a CATASTROPHE!
Thank you, Catastrophizer. There is intelligence in this world. You are it.
Um, cheers then.

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The Catastrophizer
9/4/2013 16:02:28

While I do not want to alienate the person who has said possibly the most wonderful thing ever said about me, I must say that I am concerned that you failed to be moved by what is arguably the only meat-inspired poem about meat currently featured in any meat commercial today.

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