Dear Catastrophizer,
I recently and unexpectedly ran into an ex girlfriend that I'd not seen in 3 years. She seemed very pleased to have seen me, we had a very pleasant chat and parted amicably with a brief peck on the cheek and an embrace.
I left with the feeling that that was one relationship I could be proud of, that we had both conducted ourselves like adults and despite having had an unsuccessful romantic relationship we were still able to interact warmly and cordially with all thoughts of bitterness and jealousy buried deep in the past.
Surely this can't be right?You have good instincts: of course it's not right. I like a good catastrophizing challenge, being given a scenario that appears rosy so I can apply my intellect to its sullying. Alas, this is not such a challenge or such a scenario. It's like shooting grim fish in a depressing barrel.1) "...that was one relationship I could be proud of..." The quiet pathos of this sentence would be heartbreaking if I hadn't developed an immunity to quiet pathos by exposing myself to it continually over the course of thirty years. Do we really need to catastrophize this particular encounter when it's clear your life likely already boasts enough catastrophic material to power hundreds of obscure blogs? If a brief, unplanned chat with a woman you're no longer in contact with constitutes one of your few sources of interpersonal pride, you might want to just go off and live on a pillar in the desert and give the whole other people thing up (click here for artists' renderings of the kind of beard you would have to rustle up in order to do so).2) I am now going to pull off a bravura interpretive performance by linking your unexpected encounter with the current popular revolt in Egypt, in the process cheapening both. People, like nations, behave warmly and cordially for a number of different reasons, the least likely of which being that they are genuinely fond of one another. It is far more likely that people, like many nations, are polite with one another because they don't want to cause a fuss, they don't have time for a lengthy airing of hidden grievances, or they're afraid of destabilizing the region and jeopardizing their relationship with one of Israel's few local allies. One of the things about "thoughts of bitterness and jealousy" is that, as they're thoughts, you can't see them if they belong to someone else. It's all too possible that your ex's head is teeming with malignant thoughts, but that she, like many nations, has decided to protect her own interests by pursuing a non-interventionist foreign policy.
Send the Catastrophizer your requests for advice and/or rationalizations using the form conveniently provided HERE. I will publish my responses on the THE CATASTROPHIZER page.POLITE DISCLAIMER: This site is intended for entertainment purposes only. If you are not entertained, fair enough. Also, I'm not very good at copy-editing, so if something looks wrong, it was put there by accident.
Mrs. Web: the purveyor of web advice so nice, I've visited her twice.
I have known a guy for years. We have been friends for a long time. He recently asked me out four times in a row. He always used to say he would never date the same girl twice unless she was "the one." I don’t think anyone has ever felt the way I feel about him!! Do you think he thinks I am "the one?"
1) He HAS to think you're the one!! After all, you know that feelings don't change and if he once said he'd only date a woman more than twice if she were the one, then that is sure to still be true. Just like you must just be friends because you've always just been friends. That doesn't sound right. Either he thinks you're the one because what one has said before remains true or he sees you only as a friend because you've always only been friends. Voila!
2) He HAS to think you're the one!! You can be assured of this because people's catchy, throwaway phrases and philosophies are always carefully considered. If instead of saying any girl he saw more than once would have to be the one, he'd said, "Oh, I'd like to KILL that Sally Field," you should have called the police. He was clearly intent on murder. And might still be.
3) No one HAS ever felt the way you feel about him!! Strong and passionate feelings are rare. Wanting someone you've known for years to love you is almost unheard of.
4) The two of you are sure to be happy together forever. As people continue to mean what they've once said and no one has ever felt for anyone the way you feel for him, I can see nothing but good romantic fortune in your future. Especially because presumably he's never had more than one date with any other woman, so his heart hasn't been damaged by experience.
Send the Catastrophizer your requests for advice and/or rationalizations using the form conveniently provided HERE. I will publish my responses on the THE CATASTROPHIZER page.
POLITE DISCLAIMER: This site is intended for entertainment purposes only. If you are not entertained, fair enough.
The man who dispenses advice on the website A New Mode doesn't believe in capitalizing his name. I don't believe in taking advice from hippies. I’ve been talking to this guy for a couple months now. When we first started talking, he was always the one to text me first and ask me to hangout.
Lately though, I always have to text him first, and it takes him FOREVER to reply and sometimes he doesn’t even reply at all unless I text him more than once. I also have been having to make all the effort to hangout and sometimes when we make plans to hangout, he’ll just bag out last minute.
I know this makes it sound like he doesn’t like me, but he keeps telling me that he does. Also, when I do text him or when he texts me (very rare), he still calls me “babe” and stuff.
Am I being needy by texting him all the time? Should I lay off and wait for him to make more effort?
1) Absolutely do NOT lay off. Dogged persistence in the face of every possible nonverbal sign of dislike is one of the qualities men find most desirable. When you text him repeatedly, you're adding to your mystique.
2) Also, if you lay off, there's a very good chance that he never will end up making a greater effort with you. You'll probably never receive another poetic text from him. You'll probably never hang out with him again. This is because he doesn't like you. It's quite clear he doesn't like you. It distresses me that there's any doubt in your mind that he doesn't like you. He seems enough of a coward, though, that he will never be able to tell you this directly. Which means that as long as you text him repeatedly, he will eventually, reluctantly, respond. Which means that you will have at least some semblance of a reciprocal relationship, if that's what you want.
3) If this mutually-fulfilling relationship does come to an end, never fear. It sounds like you have enough on the go that you will appeal to men initially and enough pronounced personal flaws that you will repel them eventually. As such, you will never run out of fraught texting relationships about which to agonize. I look forward to hearing from you again in the future.
4) If you find yourself needing more affection more often, I have some advice for you. Just find a guy with a loud Hawaiian shirt, shiny polyester pants and shoes with no socks who is loudly chewing gum and talking to his broker on a slightly outdated cellular telephone, and I guarantee that if you talk to him for more than five minutes, he'll call you "babe."
Send the Catastrophizer your requests for advice and/or rationalizations using the form conveniently provided HERE. I will publish my responses on the THE CATASTROPHIZER page.
POLITE DISCLAIMER: This site is intended for entertainment purposes only. If you are not entertained, fair enough.
Cosmo's "guy guru" has already tackled this question, which means it's a bit presumptuous for me to take it on. But Cosmo is in the business of inadvertently making ladies feel like catastrophes, while I am in the business of doing so in a fully advertent fashion, so it's just possible I'll be able to add something. And I know that's not a real word, by the way. Not like "ept". That's a real word, for sure.
My boyfriend and I live on opposite coasts. His roommate is moving out, and it looks like the room will be rented to a girl. I found a picture online, and she’s really pretty, plus my boyfriend says she has “a great personality.” I’m nervous about her — should I tell him I’d rather he not live with her?
1) You must absolutely tell him that he cannot live with her. Throw in some unreasonable accusations and complaints about your body and you'll have the kind of relationship-straining conversation of which catastrophizers dream.
2) I'm glad you've already started to do internet research to support your as-yet baseless suspicions. If you are really going to work to destroy your relationship, you will have to use every tool at your disposal. Why not start flying across the country and turning up unannounced? That will keep him on his toes. Either you'll end up catching him canoodling with his new hottie roommate or he'll end up catching you doing something unspeakably paranoid. Whichever of these two things actually happens, your relationship will be harmed, probably irreparably.
3) If your boyfriend really loved you, would he live a country's length away from you? Maybe it's not the new roommate you should be suspicious of. Or maybe it's not only the new roommate you should be suspicious of. He's alone, far from your influence. What could he be getting up to right now? How about now? I bet where he lives there are lots of women. Any one of them could be pretty and have a great personality. Spread your net of compulsive concern wide and learn to agonize over the kind of relationship he might have with every woman he mentions. But wait - if he thought he was falling for someone, wouldn't he remain silent about her? Maybe it's the women he doesn't mention that you should be worried about...
Send the Catastrophizer your requests for advice and/or rationalizations using the form conveniently provided HERE. I will publish my responses on the THE CATASTROPHIZER page.
POLITE DISCLAIMER: This site is intended for entertainment purposes only. If you are not entertained, fair enough.
The Brits are so deliciously degenerate. Who has the guts to field their desperate queries? Miriam Stoppard. And, of course, the Catastrophizer. Dear Miriam,
I had an affair with my husband's father a few months ago. I know you will think I was mad. I ended the fling as soon as I came to my senses and realised I did love my husband.
I haven't been married that long and my husband would leave me if he found out about the affair.
I truly regret what I did and I've told my father-in-law I feel guilty and ashamed. However, he says he'll tell his son about it all unless I carry on sleeping with him.
The worst thing is, I find it very difficult to make love to my husband because of betraying him and I don't know how to cover things up. What should I do?
Beth
1) I only regret the fact that you cannot break up with yourself. Leave yourself. Reject yourself, pack your bags and go. You get the idea.
2) "I ended the fling as soon as I came to my senses and realised I did love my husband." It's THAT realization that threw cold water on your fiery ardour? Not the realization that you were sleeping with your husband's father?
3) This will be very similar to 2). "The worst thing is, I find it very difficult to make love to my husband..." THAT's the worst thing? Really? The worst thing isn't that slept with your husband's father?
4) I understand your attraction to your husband's father. I really do. Everything you say about him indicates he's a really great guy. You know, the sex blackmail thing. Awesome.
5) If you tell your husband, he'll probably leave you. After all, you've been doing with his father what his father did with his mother to make him. It's odd. If you don't tell him, you'll be obliged to sleep with both him and his father. That's also odd. I would recommend that you begin judging your judgement, but you SLEPT WITH YOUR HUSBAND'S FATHER, so I suspect that analyzing yourself would not result in much in the way of analysis.
6) If you want to avoid such situations in the future, either remain celibate or have sex only with fatherless men. Although sonless men would probably be more plentiful.
7) But why try to put a stop to such hard-to-believe depravity? You are truly a catastrofabricator! You are not content simply to wait for the nastiness that life will inevitably throw at you - you actively court such nastiness. And by creating catastrophes in your personal life, you help other people (e.g. your husband) to become catastrophizers, so I am eternally in your debt.
Send the Catastrophizer your requests for advice and/or rationalizations using the form conveniently provided HERE. I will publish my responses on the THE CATASTROPHIZER page.
POLITE DISCLAIMER: This site is intended for entertainment purposes only. If you are not entertained, fair enough.
I'm not sure exactly who this Harlan Cohen is, but the fact that he contributed to Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul III certainly speaks to his credibility. Although he has appeared on Sally Jesse Raphael, which makes me think he is not, in fact, "one of the youngest syndicated columnists." Dear Harlan,
I am a single 35-year-old woman who has not dated very much -- in large part, I believe, due to my shyness. I have had a few short-lived relationships but have never been in a long-term relationship. I am curious to know, from your perspective (as a guy), if men would see my lack of relationship experience at my age as a red flag.
Dateless and Doubtful
1) Never assume you know what other people find repulsive or off-putting about you. You hypothesize that it's your shyness that repels people, but it could just as easily be your looks.
2) Did you continue to be shy during these short-lived relationships? If not, what about the rest of your personality do you think cut these relationships short?
3) Men might not see your lack of relationship experience as troubling, but they might be concerned by the fact that you are extremely insecure and apparently inclined to look for advice and emotional support from online advice columnists.
Send the Catastrophizer your requests for advice and/or rationalizations using the form conveniently provided HERE. I will publish my responses on the THE CATASTROPHIZER page.
POLITE DISCLAIMER: This site is intended for entertainment purposes only. If you are not entertained, fair enough.
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