If you are an immigrant who wants to move somewhere people will welcome you and help you avoid doing all those irritating, immigrant-y things you're sure to do, have I found the destination for you! Gatineau, Quebec.

The problem with immigrants, you see, is that when they come to Canada, they bring with them their hopes, their dreams, their experience and their potential, but they also arrive burdened with all kinds of strange and foreign ways. In a display of remarkable thoughtfulness, Gatineau has produced a "guide of values" for new arrivals that points out which of those foreign ways would be most objectionable to their new friends and neighbours.

Who can deny the well-known tendency of new Canadians to neglect personal hygiene, have problems with punctuality, insistently offer bribes, and cook smelly, smelly food?  Certainly not the good bureaucrats of Gatineau, who counsel recent arrivals against doing just those things. 

Gatineau's attitude appears to be that if these dirty, tardy, corrupt, smelly people have it explained to them that while such qualities might go over like gangbusters in their countries of origin, they will not endear them to their good friends in Gatineau, these immigrants will happily stop being so determinedly dirty, tardy, corrupt and smelly and become truly Canadian.

It appears, though, that washing frequently and consuming scentless dinners does not quiet everyone's fears about immigrants. Recently, Lowe's came under fire for pulling its ads from TLC's "All-American Muslim", a show that bravely asserts that Muslims live in America, they aren't particularly unhygienic, and they tend not to be consumed by racist blood-lust.

This ludicrous and implausible show moved the Florida Family Association to write to Lowe's (an advertising sponsor) complaining it is "propanda" that "hides the Islamic agenda's clear and present danger to American liberties and traditional values." Their viewpoint must be rational and indisputable, because no organization the word "family" in its name has ever been known to champion hateful, unreasonable, or ignorant causes. Lowe's clearly agreed, as they proceeded to pull their ads from the show. 

So welcome to North America, new immigrants! Try not to prepare anything stinky or bribe anyone with anything stinky or attack your children, but absolutely do not refrain from bribing people or violently assaulting someone now and again, because then the rest of us will know you're concealing a sinister agenda. 

POLITE DISCLAIMER: This site is intended for entertainment purposes only. If you are not entertained, fair enough. Also, I'm not very good at copy-editing, so if something looks wrong, it was put there by axident. 
12/14/2011 06:44:46 am

Totally worthless post. Pure sensationalism. Enjoy deleting my comment.

The Catastrophizer
12/14/2011 10:23:00 am

I wish you'd gone into more detail about your objections. When I post numerous comments here under various assumed names calling your conclusions into question and lavishing praise upon myself, I won't have much to work with.


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