Canadian elections are often discouraging because they generally lack the really exciting and inflammatory fear tactics employed by Americans running for office. We don't tend to hear about anchor babies or toddlers being turned into shameless, sex-crazed atheists after receiving government-mandated vaccinations. At best, we're treated to the phrase "tax-and-spend" used in such a manner as to suggest "vicious killer of especially adorable babies."

Thank goodness for Tim Hudak, who not only looks like a bloated and malevolent Steve Yzerman, but is also finally bringing to Ontario provincial politics some of the barely-concealed xenophobia and homophobia we've been forced to admire from afar for so long.

First, he spoke darkly of "foreign workers" being given employment advantages by the Liberals, conjuring up images of sinister hordes of immigrants swarming across Ontario with their advanced degrees, snatching up plum jobs and refusing to sign their kids up for hockey. But what else would the father-daughter pair from the this-should-be-about-a-long-distance-plan-but-it's-really-about-Tim Hortons commercial and the appallingly off-putting young people from the Rogers commercials fear besides job-thieving neurologists from South Asia? That's right: pint-sized perverts.

You've probably heard by now about the fantastically entertaining flyer being circulated by some Conservative candidates and adamantly defended by Hudak. It asserts, in both comforting blackboard-y and menacing old-typewriter fonts, that Dalton McGuinty wants to turn the next generation of Canadians into a bunch of transvestite sluts. McGuinty, unsurprisingly, denies that this is his secret and nefarious aim and claims he just wants kids to be informed and not quite so mean to one another.

I suggest to the Liberals that in the one day of campaigning they have left, they change their approach ever so slightly. Instead of arguing that the pamphlet is crazy and full of lies, why don't they simply admit that their vision of Ontario relies heavily on cross-dressing primary schoolers? Liberals are working tirelessly to create a future full of and for cross-dressing primary schoolers and job-stealing immigrants. I myself would far rather live in a province populated by boys in skirts and highly-trained professionals from abroad than one peopled with small, medium, and large-sized, and somewhat-hateful, really-hateful, and pamphlet-makingly hateful Tim Hudaks.

Send the Catastrophizer your requests for advice and/or rationalizations using the form conveniently provided HERE. I will publish my responses on the THE CATASTROPHIZER page.

POLITE DISCLAIMER: This site is intended for entertainment purposes only. If you are not entertained, fair enough. Also, I'm not very good at copy-editing, so if something looks wrong, it was put there by accident.

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