I am going to attempt to respond to a bizarre and confounding question. A REALLY bizarre and confounding question. A question more bizarre and confounding than any I ever expected to receive. Here goes.

I am confused: who is more pretty, Michael Jackson or My Fair Lady?

Well, it depends. Am I to compare Michael Jackson to Rex Harrison? To Audrey Hepburn? To the spirit of the film as a whole? I will try to do this and more. Well, maybe not more. But certainly this.

1) I think when it comes to Michael Jackson vs. Rex Harrison, Michael comes out on top. He had about eighteen chiseled cheekbones on each side of his face, and Rex just looked plain severe all the time. And 87 years old.

2) Need I say who would prevail in a prettiness battle between Michael and Audrey? Doesn't matter. I will, whether the need is needed or not. It's Audrey all the way. She makes the rest of us look like strange, half-developed, crawling, grey creatures. Michael might have tried to graft images of Audrey at every stage of her career onto his face all at the same time, but he cannot possibly equal her for prettiness.

3) Billy Jean vs. I Could Have Danced All Night? If my totally deranged questioner had used a word other than "pretty", I might have gone another way with this. But when it comes to prettiness, nothing can beat Audrey swaying about in floating, fluttery dresses with that guy who looks like her grandfather. Consider also the effeminizing effect of cockney charm, and you have no choice but to give the film the prettiness title. 

4) But didn't the film people give the role to Audrey instead of to the bowl-cutted magnificence that is Julie Andrews? And that after she'd been in the role on Broadway for ages? I didn't check any of my facts on this, but I believe I'm right. I will disregard the fact that my beliefs have been in conflict with the facts in the past. Facts are disputatious things. If I AM right, and I will proceed as though I am, I will have to disregard claims one through 3 and declare Michael Jackson the prettiness victor. Because it's one damn ugly thing to cross a singing nun.

Send the Catastrophizer your requests for advice and/or rationalizations using the form conveniently provided HERE. I will publish my responses on the THE CATASTROPHIZER page.

POLITE DISCLAIMER: This site is intended for entertainment purposes only. If you are not entertained, fair enough.

3/11/2010 02:55:55 am

Rahul isn't allowed to ask any more questions.


I just created a weebly account after finding your blog, thanks.

10/14/2013 01:25:40 pm

I liked your blog and went ahead and created a weebly blog too!


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