The Secret Life of the American Teenager is more than just a television show that deals regularly and in a hard-hitting fashion with the real issues teens face. It's more than simply a vehicle for the return to public attention of Molly Ringwald and BLOSSOM (!). It is a phenomenon, and in the constellation of things it has spawned can be found an advice blog. That's right! If only 90210 could have responded to my agonized adolescent queries while forming my expectations about love relationship and teaching me about "body shots."

Your Question: There is this boy at school that I really like but he doesn't know that I tried to become a tomboy and hang with his friends and him but I want to get closer to him.

1) Perhaps you should manage to really like a guy in the grammar and punctuation club instead, so that while you're trying to get closer to him, you can gain some valuable skills.

2) Don't you want him to know the real you? NO. You absolutely do not. No one in high school reveals his or her real self. And if they do (I'm not going to "he/she" anymore because it's just plain cumbersome) and they find themselves weeping about body image issues at a party on Saturday, they'll find themselves friendless on Monday. No one likes a downer.

3) It's time for you to realize that whatever you choose will prove to have been the wrong choice. If you reveal to your love that you played down your femininity for him, he will wonder aloud about how desperate and insecure girls can be. If you never reveal to him that you are playing a role to gain his favour, the two of you will settle into an affectionate and sexless friendship. Either way, you're better off dating a guy from another school who'll never know how unpopular you are.

4) Where are the friends to whom you should be turning for irretrievably flawed advice? Are parents now so concerned about possible meth use that they no longer bother to agonize about the specter of premarital sex? 

5) Just a quick note: when it comes to trying to ingratiate yourself with a high school boy, always go slutty. 

Send the Catastrophizer your requests for advice and/or rationalizations using the form conveniently provided HERE. I will publish my responses on the THE CATASTROPHIZER page.

POLITE DISCLAIMER: This site is intended for entertainment purposes only. If you are not entertained, fair enough.

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