Dear Mr. Federation President:

I am a great admirer of the Tea Party Express, an exciting grassroots political movement in the United States that is for underground bunkers and against secret Communists. 

Recently, the NAACP (I don't know what that stands for, but I know it has something to do with organized whining!!) came out and said the Tea Party movement was racist, just because there are so many racists in it. 

Tea Party Express organizer and, inevitably, conservative talk radio host Mark Williams responded to this charge by writing a devilishly clever satirical piece in the form of satire. Here's just one hilarious satirical snippet from this satire:

"We Coloreds have taken a vote and decided that we don't cotton to that whole emancipation thing. Freedom means having to work for real, think for ourselves, and take consequences along with the rewards. That is just far too much to ask of us Colored People and we demand that it stop!"

LOL! I am laughing so hard at this satire, it is difficult to write!!

Some people, though, did not realize that because this letter was satirical, it could not be racist. The National Tea Party Federation (which the Tea Party Express belonged to even though everyone in it thought Swift's A Modest Proposal was really about eating Irish babies!!) expelled the Tea Party Express so it could prove it wasn't satirically racist to the gay, socialist, secret Muslims who run this county. 

You're probably wondering why I'm writing to you about all this. Well, Tea Party Express spokesman Joe Wierzbicki got so mad at the secret lesbian Unitarians who run the National Tea Party Federation that he said the following:

"The Tea Party Express with over 400,000 members is by far larger than the Tea Party Federation's entire membership. Most rank-and-file tea party activists think we're talking about Star Trek when we try to explain who the 'Federation' is. Given the absurdity of the actions by the 'Federation,' this is quite fitting, since their conduct is alien to our membership."

Well, further thought (and over 5,000 letters from members of a powerful political lobbying group known as LARP) has led him to the conclusion he may have spoken in haste. It may be that the United Federation of Planets has something to teach the Tea Party movement. I've learned that:

The United Federation of Planets (abbreviated as UFP and commonly referred to as the Federation) was an interstellar federal republic, composed of planetary governments that agreed to exist semi-autonomously under a single central government based on the principles of universal liberty, rights, and equality, and to share their knowledge and resources in peaceful cooperation and space exploration.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not in favour of it when secret fascists form giant, taxation-addicted governments, but when Tea Party activists band together to lead a tithe-enhanced libertarian rebellion, well, that's something else. 

The thing is, when right-wing fringe groups join forces to fight secret Jon Stewart Bolsheviks, we stop being so fringe-y. We start being able to do outrageous things like influence elections. We don't like losing fringe credibility by forming larger organizations, and we certainly don't like working with other groups whose ideas won't fit on their placards, but we do quite like setting the national agenda and listening to Anderson Cooper say our names. 

I would be so grateful if you could give me advice to pass along to Joe Wierzbicki about how to how to transform autonomous organizations into semi-autonomous ones that are controlled by the Tea Party and that agree to abide by the principles of: 

Rampant reactionism
Aggressive anti-Communism
Capitalist boosterism 
Insistent insurrectionism
Mongerism (of most things)

Live long and do really well! Thank you in advance for all your help,

An Ardent Tea-Party Supporter
Send the Catastrophizer your requests for advice and/or rationalizations using the form conveniently provided HEREI will publish my responses on the THE CATASTROPHIZER page.

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