Is it just me, or is Tony Hayward as medically groundbreaking as he is dizzyingly handsome and convincingly sincere? 
Allow me to explain. If you've watched the helpful video I embedded in a sophisticated manner on this page, you won't need the background. I won't, alas, be able to summarize events as pithily and good-looking-ly as Tony Hayward, but here goes: some workers who were tasked with cleaning up a few meagre drops of oil from Louisiana's beaches complained of various symptoms including faintness, nausea, and nasal irritation. Tony Hayward, clearly profoundly sorry about all of this, politely suggested that these workers had come down with food poisoning.

CNN, in the person of someone who was not, unaccountably, Anderson Cooper, asked a medical specialist whether the symptoms experienced by these workers could be explained by food poisoning. No, said the medical specialist. It doesn't sound like food poisoning at all, said the medical specialist. It sounds likes something respiratory, said the medical "specialist". See what a pair of quotation marks can do?

"He's once again trying to smarmily sidestep all responsibility for anything by concocting a totally inadequate and insulting explanation", one might say. "He's in a condescending and unconvincing manner endeavouring to con the public while making no effort to protect those who are cleaning up the mess his company made", one might think. 

BUT WAIT. Allow those capital letters to give you pause. What if...what IF Tony's explanation points to something even more worrisome. What IF we do not know all there is to know about the symptoms and effects of food poisoning. What IF food poisoning, with the cunning intelligence of an oil company CEO, has devised a way to attack the respiratory system? 

I don't think this suggestion is unreasonable. Not one bit. Because, you see, we don't know what BP has been feeding these people, and from what I can tell, BP can get their hands on some pretty crazy shit.

Send the Catastrophizer your requests for advice and/or rationalizations using the form conveniently provided HERE. I will publish my responses on the THE CATASTROPHIZER page.

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10/12/2013 01:35:34 pm

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